i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
There are leaves in my underwear?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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