After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
