My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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