Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
