So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
