I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize