last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
