Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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