I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
