Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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