I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
