Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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