based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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