I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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