every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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