Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
