seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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