about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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