If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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