Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
