cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
