I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
