So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
