I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
