we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
