I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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