Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
