only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
