Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize