My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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