I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
