and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
