Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
