theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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