I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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