My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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