i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
