I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize