Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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