Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
