Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
