So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
