Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
