What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize