there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
