Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
