Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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