there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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