Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
