I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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