Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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