oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
