I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
