I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
