fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
